It is one of life’s little mysteries. If you are married or in a committed relationship, you’re sure to meet some of the most wonderful and beautiful members of the singles crowd on the planet. But if you’re single, the odds against meeting those same people are several million to one.
The premise for the movie “Sleepless in Seattle” – that some sad sack of potatoes is destined to meet Miss Universe and live happily ever after – is absurd.
OK, the Tom Hanks character wasn’t really a loser, but it is absolutely true that the world’s axis tilts at a different angle when you are single. Sure, you’ll meet women as lovely as Meg Ryan, but usually, they are either married or already in a relationship.
Recently, I decided to try something different – a personal listing on a popular website where singles seek partners to date. Here is my listing — what I wrote about me:
Horny Toad seeks beautiful princess to assist with low-tech transformation project. Must be willing to kiss on first date. Formal education not required, but command of English is a plus. Must have current green card. Prefer someone who can fly but who weighs less than Dumbo. I’m really short, have bumpy skin and webbed feet, but my vet says I could change – with right princess. Life is a murky pond. Jump in with me! Seeking slender Faith Hill look-alike for sex and coffee. Someone special to discuss Picasso, God and The Philadelphia Eagles – during sex.
I was somewhat uneasy imagining what kind of woman would answer my ad. No need to worry. The first person who called said she was a perfect match except for two things – she weighed more than Dumbo and couldn’t fly.
“That’s OK,” I said, “Nobody’s perfect. Are you slender?” She thought for a moment before answering that she was “full-figured” and I wouldn’t be disappointed.
On our first date, I had visual confirmation of her honesty. Her name was Sinker, and she said she came from a long line of fishermen. Only later did I realize she wasn’t talking about family.
Sinker and I dated for several months, but I finally broke off the relationship because her IQ was south of the number signifying functional. Sinker was definitely a looker, but I’m not into dating someone just because she looks like a big pink cartoon character.
Meanwhile, I dated two other women who responded to my ad claiming to have dated Pablo Picasso. And I turned down another who claimed to have previously dated God – she made it clear her standards were v-e-r-y high.
Uhh … right. But none of those women could tell me what position Jaylen Hurts played if I eliminated every position except quarterback.
Unfortunately, the dilemma of meeting new people is not limited to online dating. In supermarkets, for example, singles often mingle but seldom meet.
Last month, I tried a creative approach. I threw myself on the floor in front of an attractive woman’s shopping cart just as she entered the produce section. “You may as well run over me” I pleaded earnestly, “Life without you would be meaningless.”
Naturally, she ran over me – back and forth … back and forth. At the hospital, a nurse told me the wheels on her shopping cart set off fire alarms.
You could write a children’s book about grocery shopping and the singles scene — see Jack . Jack is single. See Jane. Jane is single. See Jack smile at Jane in the potato chip aisle. See Jane scream and run down the aisle … out the door and right through the plate glass window.
See Jack scream and run in the opposite direction.
See the police escorting Jack into a waiting squad car.
Run Jack run!!
While the singles scene isn’t as glamorous as it appears, every black hole has a silver lining. I’ve been really sad, but my future is looking considerably brighter. Sinker is back in town and called me.
She said she had a new appreciation for bespectacled men who wear white shirts with plastic pen protectors … men who know the difference between a byte and a bite. She was tired of dating macho guys who smelled like the holding tank of a shrimp boat.
I pleaded with Sinker that it wasn’t fair to tease. Was she willing to make a commitment and avoid crowded bars teeming with fisherman? Would she make an effort to get her GED certificate?
This time would it be forever?
Sinker said, “Naah.”
She just wanted to hook me up.
-30-
Originally published 1993, The Suburban (Wayne, PA)
Running Commentary 